10 Tips on Finding Your Happily-Ever-After From a Bestselling Romance Author

1. Know yourself. 

You are half of the relationship. If you don’t know what you want, your partner sure won’t. What do you believe in? What are your strengths and weaknesses? Your dreams? Spend time reflecting and share your thoughts with your partner so she can know you better too.

2. Get healthy. 

Know that hurtful baggage you’re carrying around from your last relationship? Dump it. Get counseling, take the time to forgive, contemplate your life … do what’s necessary to bring a healthy you into the new relationship. You deserve that and so does your partner.

3. Love is a verb. 

Okay, it’s also a noun, but when it comes to a relationship, we need to treat it as a verb. It’s active. It’s washing dishes at the end of a long day. It’s being there for your partner when you don’t feel like it. When that kind of love works both ways, it’s a wonderful thing.

(How to Write a Love Poem.)

4. Your partner is going to mess up. 

It’s not an if, but a when. If the apology is sincere and there’s an effort to change (and the behavior wasn’t heinous), you’ll need to learn how to forgive and forget—which means no fair throwing it back in his face next time you’re upset.

5. You are going to mess up. 

Learn how to deliver a heartfelt apology that doesn’t place blame or justify your behavior. Go ahead. It doesn’t hurt too much. Setting things right can feel so good—and foster healthy relationship habits that sustain you for many years to come.

6. Conflict can make you a better person. 

Did your partner let you down? Did you let yourself down? What can you learn from the experience to make the road smoother next time? After your next argument is resolved, take a moment to reflect on what you can each do better next time. Then put it into practice.

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7. Communication is key. 

If you have a legitimate complaint, speak up—but not when tempers are flaring. Choose a time when you’re both calm, and state your grievance in a non-threatening way. Focus on the way the behavior makes you feel and aim for a resolution you can both live with.

8. Listen. 

Your partner may have a grievance now and then too. Or maybe she just needs to vent. Put your book down and listen with the same focus you’d want. Resist the urge to try and solve her problem unless that’s what she’s asking for.

9. Make time for each other daily. 

Put down your cell phone—or better yet, turn it off—during meals and other connection times. Be deliberate about setting aside time together or other priorities will crowd in, and soon you’ll wonder who the person across the breakfast table even is.

10. Have fun together. 

Is there a hobby you both enjoy? An activity or sporting event? Life is hard. A little fun and laughter can go a long way toward lightening the load. Plus these happy moments have a way of making you remember just why you fell in love in the first place. And that’s a win for both of you.

Check out Denise Hunter’s Before We Were Us here:

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