Fight Scene Edit: Embrace the Red (FightWrite™)
Edits. So help me, when I see the word, I hear the theme from Jaws. My editor’s email lurks in my inbox, silently waiting. The fin of my cursor circles it then goes straight in for the kill, biting with a click. The email opens and oh, by all that is decent and good, the red! So much red! I drown in the horror of my own making.
(Do Less to Do More: FightWrite™)
Then, I get chocolate and some caffeine and get to work. Because well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions. I did that work, I made those mistakes and, in truth, I should be thankful. Edits are proof that I’m working. Yes, the screen looks like a bloody mess. But my words can only get bloody if they are alive.
All that said, today I am showing you a fight scene edit. And it’s bloody, both the fight scene and the edits. Full disclosure: I asked the author to leave things a mess. She wasn’t to second guess herself at any point. Whatever popped into her head, down it was to go on the page. And truly, that is how a rough draft should be.
What I find especially important about this edit is the confusion in where characters are located in the scene. In our minds, we see the scene perfectly. And when we read our fight scene, we read it in the context of what we are seeing in our heads. It is not until an edit that we understand how the scene gets lost in the transmission between our brains and our keystrokes.
Before we dive in, thank you dear Taylor for allowing me to use your scene. These edits are proof that you are working and that alone earns my respect. Also, I wish my first drafts looked this good.
Readers, anything in bold will be followed by my comments in brackets and italicized. The edited version will follow. I try to only comment on fight moves and leave all other editing to those who are far better at it than I am. I generally only comment on traditional editing issues it if it affects the fight scene. For example, if a pronoun needs clarifying to follow the fight movement, I point it out. That said, on occasion my inner English teacher takes over and I comment on what I just said I wouldn’t.
OK, here we go.
Rough Draft 1
A shadow behind Saga’s shoulder made Rune straighten. [A shadow could be anyone. Maybe add in a sound or smell that lets the reader know how Rune knows there’s a problem.] “Can I help you, gentlemen?” He watched Saga’s eyes widen [Her eyes widening show there is a problem more than the shadow. That’s also a good visual. Maybe put more focus on her eyes than the shadow.], but she didn’t turn around. Instead, her blue-green eyes bore into his. He let his palms rest flat on the table. Hopefully the absence of weapons would prevent things from escalating.
“You owe a debt to our master.” The tallest man growled. “We’re here to collect or return with your body.”
Saga’s lips parted and color drained from her face.
Rune rose to his feet. Hands still visible. He needed to get between Saga and their opponents. “If you wish to discuss this outside, I’d be happy to oblige.” He stopped at Saga’s shoulder. “Apologies, lady, for cutting our game short.”
“She comes too.” The shortest man sneered.
Rune crossed his arms over his chest. [Crossing arms over chest isn’t the best defensive posture. Rune knows how to fight. It makes more sense that he would take a fighter’s stance: dominant foot back, body turned slightly, hands up or at least one hand up. The other might be at his beltline if he has a knife. That stance allows for ease of attacking and defending. And, he’s about to attack.] “Your business is with me. She stays.”
The tallest man reached for Saga.
Rune stepped forward, grabbed the closest man’s cloak front, and shoved him into the man reaching for Saga. As the short man collided with the tall one, Saga leaped from her chair. [Difficult to follow. Maybe grab the man who is reaching and push him back into his cronies. Then the reader doesn’t have to keep up with who is doing what quite as much.] “Get out of here.” [Who says this?] He side-stepped the third man while using Saga’s abandoned chair as a shield. [The chair is beside him. If he side-steps, he will be moving into the chair. He could pull the chair in front of him maybe.)
“Just give them their money!” [Who says this?]
Rune took hold of Saga’s forearm. He pulled her forward as he lowered his voice. “I never incur debt I can’t pay.” Rune shifted his gaze to the men righting themselves a few feet away. [He pulled her to him. Pulling her forward isn’t the same as pulling close. He lowered his voice so she had to have been pulled close. 2. When you told me about Rune, you said he only fought enough to get away. Why is he hanging around?] “I’m indebted to no man.”
Saga stared at him. “Then their claims are false?”
The sound of steel being pulled free of its scabbard made Rune’s upper body twist toward the challenge. [1. I don’t think she would care as much about this as much as being in danger. 2. Awkward phrasing. Consider, “turned” or “looked.” Also, is he looking toward the challenge or being defensive? This makes it seem like he is eager to fight.] The man with the build of an elk charged in their direction. He yanked Saga into his chest. [He who?] “Don’t resist.” With her close, Rune spun them in a quick circle to the left of their opponent. [Spinning in a circle is extra movement and would turn their back to their opponent. Have them step to the side. Or Rune could just push Saga out of harm’s way.] The sword buried itself into the table they’d just been in front of. [Whose sword?]
Her mouth hung open. “H-how did—”
One of the other men tore Saga from Rune’s grip. “I’m sure the boss would find many uses for you.”
Rune’s jaw clenched. “Release her.”
The man laughed.
A laugh that made Rune’s face lose all emotion and every sound in the tavern go quiet. These men were prepared to fight. Unfortunately, so was he. Rune slipped the dagger from his belt. “I won’t ask a second time.” His eyes narrowed. A man who used his power to harm another—especially a woman—didn’t deserve to keep the use of his hands. [In this paragraph: 1. We know the men are prepared to fight from the time they draw swords. Maybe they are prepared to keep fighting or fighting for longer than Rune expected. 2. Unfortunately for who? For the attackers, yes. But it’s great for Saga. 3. This is another reason why he wouldn’t have crossed his arms over his chest earlier. One hand would have been near his belt line where his dagger is. 4. He told them. He didn’t ask. 5. This feels like author intrusion. Is this what Rune believes or a theme in the book as a whole?]
The man pulled Saga’s back against his chest [When you pull someone’s (physical) back against your chest, your hand is between their back and your chest. Maybe he pulled her back (direction) against his chest. He could do this by grabbing her around her waist.] and let his right hand close around her neck. [These men have swords. Swords are traditionally wielded in the right hand. He would probably use his left hand or you could just say he grabbed her throat and not specify which hand.] His lips turned into a sneer. [Did they turn into a sneer or just sneer?] “You’re in over your head ship rat.”
Rune stalked forward.
Saga’s bottom lip trembled, but not a sound came from her mouth. Her captor rubbed his forefinger along the edge of Saga’s jaw. “Did you think you’d keep such beauty to yourself?”
In one fluid movement, Rune grabbed the man’s wrist while his dagger sliced deep into the man’s elbow. [Rune wouldn’t grab the wrist before attacking the elbow. The more movement the more opportunity for defensive response. Also, if Rune slices that elbow, he is pointing the dagger up toward Saga’s neck. And, he may take that risk. Now think about this: if that man’s arm is up, his ribs are open. Rune could stab him. That could be fatal though and you may not want that. You can also go for the leg which would keep him from running after Rune. If you stick with the elbow attack, don’t have him reach up for the wrist.] The man bellowed as Rune pulled Saga from his bleeding arm. [I doubt the man would keep holding on.] “Next time, await permission.” His teeth were clenched so tight the words released in a hiss. “Piece of filth.”
Saga’s body trembled against his. “T—thanks.” Specks of blood marked her pale cheek.
Rune frowned. “Never thank someone for protecting the freedom you’re owed.”
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Edited Version
Rune sighed, seeing the men approach from the corner of his eye. “Can I help you, gentlemen?”
Saga’s blue-green eyes widened. Her face paled.
Rune put his palms flat on the table. “I hold no weapons and have no quarrel against you three.”
“You owe a debt to our master,” the man in the middle said. “We’re here to collect or return with your body.”
Rune glanced at Saga then rose to his feet. He smiled, held his hands up then took a step forward to stand at Saga’s shoulder. “If you gents wish to discuss this outside, I’d be happy to oblige. I could order us all a pint to take with us.” He tilted his head down toward Saga, never taking his eyes off the men. “Apologies, my lady, for cutting our game short.”
“She comes too,” the shortest of the three said, then spat on the floor.
Rune dropped a hand to his waist near the dagger tucked under his shirt. “Now, gentlemen, your business is with me. The lady stays.”
The tallest man reached for Saga to grab her by the hair.
Rune blocked the man’s arm, grabbed the front of his cloak and pushed him into the other two.
“Get out of here,” Rune said to Saga pushing her forward. She stumbled out of the chair and Rune grabbed it, positioning the chair between him and the henchmen.
“Just give them their money!” Saga said. “Please.”
“I owe them nothing.”
One of the men drew his sword. Its blade hissed against the leather of the scabbard. He locked eyes with Rune for just a moment then lunged toward him. Rune stepped quickly to the side and swept one of the men’s feet out from under him. The man’s body hit the tavern floor with a deep thud. Pints of cider rattled on nearby tables.
One of the other thugs took advantage of Rune’s diverted attention and circled behind him to catch Saga by the waist. He pulled her back against him and grabbed her by the throat with his free head. “Ah, missy,” he said, burying his grizzled face into her hair. “You do smell clean, don’t you?”
Rune slipped his thumb under the edge of his shirt, readying his hand for his dagger. “Release her.”
The man laughed hard, shaking Saga’s body. She closed her eyes. Her chin trembled.
The tavern quieted. Only the crackle of flames in the fireplace remained.
The tavern owner cleared his throat then said, “Perhaps you five should—”
“This is the last time I will say it,” Rune said, interrupting the tavern owner. He edged toward Saga and the man, keeping the other two goons in his peripheral. “Let her go. Don’t make me relieve you of your hands. No man who uses his hands against a woman deserves to keep them.” Rune winked at the man then whispered, “it’s good to have hands, wouldn’t you say?”
The man clenched Saga’s neck tight. She whimpered and raise up on her toes.
“You’re in over your head ship rat. Crawl away now,” the man said, then smiled and again buried his nose and mouth into Saga’s hair to inhale deeply. He caressed her jaw with his fat thumb, leaving a smudge of dirt on her fair skin.
“Smell’s nice, doesn’t she?” Rune said with a nod and grin.
“That she d—”
Before the man could finish, Rune wielded his dagger and stabbed the man in the side of his thigh. The man cried out and released Saga as his knee gave way.
Rune grabbed Saga and put her behind him.
“Next time,” Rune said, his dagger pointed at the men, slowly walking he and Saga sideways toward the door. “Next time won’t be so painless.” He nodded at the man on the floor grabbing his blood-soaked leg. The other two men stood immobile, seemingly dumbstruck, looking back and forth between Rune and their bleeding cohort.
The door of the tavern banged to a close behind Rune and Saga. The two ran down the dark, cobble stone street, their breathe pluming white in the cold, night air.
“Thank you,” Saga said as they went.
Rune glanced over his shoulder toward the tavern then glanced at Saga and smiled. “Never thank someone for protecting the freedom you’re owed.”
**
Writers, editors are your greatest allies. If you are self-publishing a work, which even masters such as Stephen King endorse, get an editor. And yes, if your work is rife with fight scenes, getting a fight scene editor is a good bet too.
When you get those edits back, approach them with an open mind. Remember, all that red is a good sign. Only living things bleed and those red marks are proof your work is alive. Take an honest look at the suggestions. You don’t have to accept all of them. But, consider the reason for them all.
Writing editors are like music producers. Music production ensures that only what is best about a singer’s voice comes through on the recording. Even Grammy winning singers with perfect pitch have producers mixing their music. In that same way, a good editor will bring out what is best about your writing voice. If your work looks good, your editor looks good. And, if the work and your editor look good, I guarantee that your work will sing.
Until the next round with FightWrite™ on the WD blog, get blood on your pages.
Struggling to choose a fighting style for your character? The struggle is over. The way your character does battle isn’t up to you. It’s up to the story. The time and place of the work, the society in which your character lives, their inherent and fostered traits and the needs of the story will determine how your character responds to aggression.